Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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