I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
