I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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