I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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