I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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