You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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