I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
