Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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