Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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