I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who died my cat blue again?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
