My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
