Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
