i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?