There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going