We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
smell my finger.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"