i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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