my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
the raccoons are back...
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