don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
