Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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