haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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