Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
