I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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