i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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