I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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