What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
