theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
