The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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