If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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