Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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