I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
