Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
