Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
