ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
