Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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