The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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