I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
