Your dad touched me again.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
