i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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