My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
