Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
