I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
