Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
