the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think a kid would responsible me up
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
