..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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