don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
