Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.