my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.