i barfeds in our rink
are you so shy because you have an std?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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