don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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