i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
