like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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