Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
