Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
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When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
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getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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