How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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