maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
