very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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