You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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