when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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